Man Arrested for Stealing Life-Size Cardboard Justin Bieber

Everyone already knows that Justin Bieber's tween girl Beliebers are crazy, but they have nothing on his twentysomething male fans. A 23-year-old dude named David Dowling was arrested this weekend after he and an unspecified minor stole a $35 life-size Justin Bieber cutout from a Florida music store. According to the Smoking Gun, Dowling's excuse was, "We were just having fun holding Justin Bieber hostage." He knows it's just cardboard, right?
Here's how David "Rififi" Dowling and his too-young-to-be-named friend (code name: LeMarc) executed their heist: The duo entered the FYE, grabbed the cutout, and ran, because there's no surreptitious way of stealing a life-size Bieber cutout. For their escape route, the pair opted to go through Sears, but a female assistant manager from the FYE caught up to the pair while they navigated their way through the department store. Dowling and his accomplice returned the cutout to the assistant manager, but she still demanded they return to FYE with her to face mall security. They didn't like that plan, so they just ran out of the mall. Their perfect crime was only foiled when security found the duo hiding in the bushes outside.
Perhaps even more surprising than someone stealing a Bieber cutout from a CD store is that there remains a CD store in Florida to begin with, and that the store hired the fastest woman in the Sunshine State. But Dowling wasn't done! When police asked Dowling for his name, he gave them the alias "David Michael Tan." This guy would definitely make Gucci Mane proud. Dowling was charged with a pair of misdemeanors -- "petit theft" (we always thought it was "petty theft") and "giving false name while lawfully detained" -- and immediately sentenced to a lifetime of being teased by his friends.